…had a long post planned

…but things became too emotional to write …honesty …i try to live by it but at time being honest fucks you in the end …yes, lies are worse …but if i kept my mouth shut there would not be so much pain …enjoy the weekend

…so, it happened yesterday

…i wanted to sleep in …i wanted to miss the appointment …i wanted to not be subjected to the emotional overload that would come with seeing her …but i had to do this …i had to try and get this over with so i could move on with my life ‎…how do i describe the events yesterday …it took all my strength to even show up …she was already there and luckily i did not see her when i arrived …a wise friend told me to approach this matter with love and compassion …i lead my actions with those but tempered them with self-preservation and self-love …i deserve that …i was successful in keeping it together in face to face mediation …pointing out facts and numbers …being all business like …several matters were resolved rather quickly …when it came down to holding her to what she said she would do was when things started to fall a part …it was nice that Darayus had me get prepared several months ago for trial as i had my note book ready to call Kitten out on her lies …and she did lie and the mediators caught on to it …we came to an agreement …then she backed out …talk about hindering process …she talked about us living together as husband and wife …i did not elaborate, but i did interrupt to state that we were not living as husband and wife, that she was just living with me …i do not think that settled well as her demeanor shifted and she started to attack …this is when the separated us …i felt so relieved and yet so crushed …the emotions came out when we separated into different these rooms …issues that were not getting resolved face to face because of her attacks …i broke …but i held my ground and did what was necessary …she tried to manipulate the situation and the mediators did not allow it

…i still feel she got away with out any responsibility
…no remorse
…no guilt
…fuck it all

…she will get hers in the end, it is karma

…image that says a lot

…mediation

…the mediation with Kitten is set for Wednesday morning …i am not feeling good …i want to have this over …but i really DO NOT want to see her …the damage …the stress …the lies

…i am told that she can not hurt me anymore …i wish that were true …just seeing her will hurt …this is not going to be a good week

…i want to crawl into my oubliette

…safe?

…of all places to feel  …to feel …safe …i can not put it in any other words …i felt safe …i just spent the evening with PunkyD …she recently had knee surgery and to help a little i said i would cook dinner for her one evening …she asked for some things i used to cook when we were together …i gladly made them …we chatted most of the evening …about all things really …past and present …family …friends …loves …and i will admit it did feel a little awkward …but it was a comfortable awkward if there is such a thing …i spoke of current occurrences and she knew what happened with out me really needing to finish my accounts …so much time has passed yet so many things are still the same …and to feel safe …i told her how what Kitten did to me has caused me to question my trust in so many others and to question myself …and while i did have that feeling tonight …if i could trust …i did not let that rule my behavior …we enjoyed an evening together and it was safe …i felt safe …no this does not mean i am having feelings for her again …i just did not worry if there were any ulterior motives or that i needed to keep my guard up

…so much going on …Kitten is fighting to get stuff from me in the divorce …trivial things …she owes me thousands of dollars but when i filed for divorce i did not include that …i tried to make things as easy for both her and me as possible …to state that possessions have been divided …she has her stuff, i have mine …yet she wants me to pay for her car insurance indefinitely …she wants to take a TV and air conditioner that she gave me …i could really care less about the items …what torqued me off is that she owes me money, she knows and has acknowledged this to me, i made the choice not to pursue that money in the divorce and she has the gall to demand these things from me …now i was getting ready for the next phase of the divorce …to file a trial readiness form …when i was filling this out i found out that third party mediation must be attempted …which means i have to see her …this process has already started and soon i will have to see her again …this woman that i gave my trust to who so carefully and calculatedly manipulated me …i allowed this to happen, yes …i wanted to believe her …desperately …and she knew it

…now i question everything i used to trust
…i question if i can trust my own judgement

…tired of being quiet

…what to write about today …starting to feel isolated again …those who i have counted on in the past are…well…i just do not feel like i can talk to them anymore …maybe they are just tired of hearing about my struggles because it seems my struggles are never ending …it seems to me that my struggle are never ending …i try to move forward but feel bound and shackled by the past …at least for now …held back by …by …by what? …why should i be held back? …Kittynes certainly has moved on and has no second thought about what she did …held back by nothing …she was able to fuck me one morning and leave for another man the next  …why can i not be like that? …she had moved on before she even left me …she told me that leaving was the hard thing to do …but what am i to believe? …she lied to me …she cheated on me …she stole from me …i am ranting here i guess …what the hell am i supposed to say … i have been doing the best that i can and it is not good enough …i feel that i have to keep my mouth shut around those is should be able to talk to …i feel that i have to censor myself around everyone i talk to …i have to hide my true feelings from all around me …i constantly feel that i am going to break but can not show that …people do not like weaknesses shown …weaknesses are not fun …and they are right …i have only truly exposed my soul to one person over the past few years and look what happened …she used that and fucking took off …how do i let something like that go? …how do you trust someone …how do you trust anyone after you have been betrayed so deeply? …this has effected me in many way …has made me pull back from relationships …has mad made weary of starting new relationships …has made me question every thing that i believe …everything that i do …everything that i am …i involuntarily question everyone’s motives when interacting with me …but i can not say anything to anyone …i try to escape but how do you escape your own thoughts …i have had trouble with this for a long time people talk of tracks of thought …the number of conscious thoughts that a person can sustain at any given moment …i do not have tracks …i have storms …each lightning blot a thought …each branch of that lightning bolt a possible outcome or analysis of that thought …the storms rage sometimes …at others there are only a few and easy to manage …quite chaotic, but quite fast as well …and people wonder why i am always stressed …well here it is! …each thought is examined for as many possible outcomes that my mind can come up with …each scenario thought out and planned and executed even before i have a moment to pause …when the storms are raging this is difficult and has caused some of the worst migraines i have ever had

…and now i have said something

…must keep going

…divorce papers …courts require that mediation be attempted before going to trial …have contacted a place and started this process …this particular service requires face to face meeting …i can not afford to go to the more expensive services that do not require face to face …so here we go …need to get ready to confront this person who lied, cheated and stole from me …this person who i gave my trust to, the person who betrayed my trust, the person i should have never trusted again …how can i sit in the same room with her? …i know how i feel …that i can not deny …but how can i stand to see her …i’ve wished to never see her again …but to get this done i have to …have to look into those deceitful eyes and stand my ground

…crisis helps vet out the people you can count on …and the people who will half ass things …frustrating that after all this time, someone i thought i could count on has turned out to not help much at all …a new person has surprised me more …and Darayus is there as always with her help, support and advice

…but i know in truth
…i stand alone

…had to share

…on facebook today, Perry Farrell of Janes Addiction posted this:

To be jealous over Facebook? Many people have gotten together thru Facebook (I know people who habitually screw Facebook strangers). But even stranger are the couples who are breaking up because of it. Spending too much time gazing into Facebook when their spouse is trying to tell them something. They aren’t here. They’re with some else they’ve never met. Relationships are perfect (before they begin).

…i so wanted to start a rant about second life

…cleaning house

…ok, so i had to go through and clean up my drafts folder …it was really starting to bug me to have incomplete or unpublished items in there …hands grabbing at me begging to be finished …i saved off a few, not many …published two …they are older and not posted as new, but as the date that they were saved as drafts …one is called “…Elenore” the other “…belief and fear“

…ginseng green tea today

…need to just chill …the stress is starting to make me sick again …busy this week for work …trying to protect myself with the divorce case against Kittynes …trying to deal with the fact that i will be living alone and the loss of money that brings unless i move …or find someone to move in …thinking of getting a part time job to help this out

…have a great evening

…stressed

…the plan was put in place …all questions asked, all bases covered …or so i thought …i needed to ask my roommate to move out …there are many reasons for this, mostly my inability to feel secure/safe at home …i asked my brother to move in …he said yes …would work out for us both …again, or so i thought

…now he says he can not, and my roommate will still be moving out

…what the fuck can i do now
…grin and bear it