…disjointed

…why am i so stuck on this person …why am i so needing her …i have not sought her out for quite some time …i have not tried to find her …have not emailed her …have not done anything …that is not true, i have tried to cut her from my life …but she is part of me …i am not part of her …i was never a part of her world as she was part of mine …i was something, i will admit that …what, i am not sure …a means to an end? …a temporary stop on the way to something else? …hell if i know anymore …for me, she became part of me …essential

…though it all …all the destruction you have caused …all the lies you have told …all the deceit you have sown …all the pain you caused …your opinion, your approval still matters to me …no matter what i do …no matter what i write …no matter what i create …no matter what i say …i have this voice is my head that asks “will you be proud of me now?” …you never were …you …never …were …were you? …you showed me your pride by going behind my back …you showed me your feelings by loving others while saying you were in love with me …you …you were my world

…what does it matter anymore? …i have been trying to write …but i am stuck …emotionally …i can not let go …i recently got into an argument with someone special and close to me …the feelings it brought up were the feelings of betrayal …the memories of what kitten did to me …innocence as a guise for betrayal …”oh, he is just a friend” …that is how it started …then the lies and deception to cover things up …WHY …these feelings taint my judgment …influence my reasoning

…i know i lost myself a long time ago …i know that who i am now is a direct result of her actions …though many will say own up to this and take responsibility for the way you are …well guess what …i am …i ALLOWED this to happen to me …i trusted and adored her …now there are new people in my life …now my flaws stand out …now the results of her destruction are more apparent than ever …more than just how i feel about myself …also about how i feel and see others …how i interpret their actions …how i view their opinions …trust? …such a hard gift for me to give …such a hard thing for me to ask for as well

…can not think straight
…too many tracks of thought
…too many storms
…not healthy

…never will

…i’ve been all over the place emotionally …a friend said this might happen …my body has been fighting so long to keep me breathing at night that it was too tired to tackle issues …now that i am getting the rest that i need, these issues are coming to the surface and saying hello again …these are dragging my spirits down …i am thinking more …my brain is more active …sometimes it seems that i can not keep up with my mind …sometimes it seems the world can not keep up with my mind …i have people close to me who care …but i can not express what i have been feeling because i do not know how …i feel alone surrounded by people …lost in the crowd …i want to fucking disappear …all that has happened can not be change …not all has been bad …but most i would rather do without …i wish i could wipe my memories of the past seven years

…i want to forget her
…i do not want to remember anymore
…i want to fucking forget

…but i never will

…a spectacular mess

…so here we go …this could be the dawning of a new age for me …so i went in for a sleep study because i had been told that i stop breathing while i sleep …so i already knew i had a problem …just not how bad …over the last two week in december, i went in for sleep studies …the first night was me, sleeping normally, with all these electrodes and wires and monitors attached to my body …nothing like making it difficult to sleep …but i guess they got the information they needed …the second night was sleeping with a continuous positive airway pressure (cpap) machine …i slept through the night with out issue and felt good the next day …really good …i woke up around 5:30AMish and was awake until 3:00AMish the next morning, with out a yawn …a little crazy …well yesterday i was given my results of the tests and prescribed my own cpap for home use …a normal person has a blood oxygen saturation while sleeping of greater than 90% …doctors and nurses start to worry if that drops to the lower 80% range …during my sleep study, my concentration dropped to 59.2% …and that i stop breathing about 70 times an hour …holy brain damage range batass! …yes, with these numbers i am apparently lucky to not have suffered more sever damage or have more problems than i already do …the brain is not getting enough oxygen to produce the necessary chemicals to maintain my sanity, and it is producing too many chemicals to wake me up and force me to breathe …all this contributes to so many things …my migraines …severe hypertension …depression

…say it all together now class “Zain is a spectacular mess!”

…this is how my life seems to go …such a freaking mess …here is another example …more often than not …the more that i care about someone, the less that i matter to them …when i start caring for someone, start paying attention to their wants needs and concerns …when i let someone in to my soul, trust them, i end up in the trashed …the person could give a shit less about my feelings, wants, needs …maybe i screw up …maybe they do …if someone get that close to me i am more readily willing to forgive and move on then to remember and hold events over them …this could be why i do not remember much of the cruelty that i suffered with Kittynes …i would rather remember the good about someone …the good about a relationship than to hold on to the negative …i prefer to let negative go and hold on to the positive …some may say this is looking at things through “rose colored glasses” …some will call it selective memory …i say, what is the point of holding on to negative feelings, memories, or events? …to further hurt? …to further cause stress? …i write about my feelings and lament the losses and how it feels to not have people in my life anymore …yes, it’s more than just Kittynes that has done this to me …there have been others …not many who got as close to me as Kitten did …some have gotten that close real fast …and ripped themselves away just as fast …leaving me questioning why …i have to realize not everyone has the same views i do …not everyone can have a mind with views as fucked up as mine …i am insignificant to these people …but i hope to minimize any further experiences like this

…insignificant
…forgettable
…trash

…wrap up

…new years is coming …my situation is so different than last year …similar but not the same to two, even three years ago …i have no one i can express these feeling to anymore …no one understands how i could still have feeling for Kitten after all that she has done …the thing is i still find myself listening to music, new music, and it strikes a chord with me that rings true to what i have wanted to say to her, how i feel, or where i wished i was …so much has changed …but not enough …i struggle …i thought moving on, holding someone else close would help …it hasn’t …i let so many people down …i fail …i fall each time i think of her …i exposed my soul to her …she hid away …i gave her my all …she gave herself to others …why do i still hold on? …she treated me like shit …she disrespected our relationship …disrespected me …she lied …she cheated …she stole …she manipulated …how could i have been so wrong? …her promises? …hallow words wasted on me …how could i have been so easily deceived? …those close to me saw through her putrid veils and knew what would happen …Sizzle left because she saw the ugly truth …thank the gods i am on the mend with her …i need to treat myself better …i need to try at least …a friend sent me the below post from another blog …this should be a good start …guide lines to stop treating myself poorly …a good new years resolution to work on these thoughts

…i need to stop
…i need to let go
…i need to walk away from here
…forever

December 11th, 2011 @ 4:30 pm by: Marc
30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people.
   • Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems.
   • Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself.
   • You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner.
   • The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not.
   • One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past.
   • You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake.
   • Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes.
   • We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness.
   • Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness.
    • If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle.
    • Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready.
    • Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons.
    • Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work.
    • In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else.
    • Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others.
    • Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.
    • Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges.
    • Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level.
    • Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others.
    • Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break.
    • The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments.
    • Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect.
    • The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance.
    • Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t.
    • It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles.
    • The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone.
    • Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much.
    • Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen.
    • Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful.
    • No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

…stubborn

“Life must be incredibly easy to live, when you never have to stick around (or ever see) the consequences of your selfish actions.”  ~~Chaos Sister

…waking this morning …wrapped in a shroud of sadness …disoriented  …in a strange place …i rolled over looking for Kitten …how pathetic is that? …it took all of my strength to get out of bed and moving …i wanted to stay curled up and sleep the day away …did not want to face reality

…i need to let this shit go …but i can not …trapped in a prison of my own creation …held back by my feelings and misplaced loyalties …she still has her claws in me even though she is gone …these wounds do not heal …these wounds can not heal while i hold on to any hope …but hope for what? …i can not take her back …i can not pursue her anymore …i can not let her back into my life in any capacity …she stole my dreams …she stole my love …i lost my ignorance, security and pride …i believed her …i believed her promises and lies …i did trust her otherwise she would not have been back in my home in the first place …so? …my fucking problem right? …damn her for even trying to think she could reconcile with me but not be honest or put forth any effort …she said she wanted to have my children …lie …she promised she would not leave again …i believed her …she …i could go on …but what is the point?

…why can i not let this go …there are two things at work in my mind …the first is that, well, she is this flawed and i made a really poor choice …the second and one that weighs just as heavily …that she is right and i am this worthless …not worth putting forth the effort …not worth caring for …not worth anything …trapped in these thoughts …ready to give up …it’s been so long and i can not let go …nothing has enabled me to let go …i fight but what am i fighting for anymore …am i fighting to continue to get mind fucked by her? …am i fighting to have her continue to lie and deceive me? …am i fighting to have her make false promises and hallow vows to me?

…what is there fight for?
…nothing
…nothing is left
…it was gone years ago
…i’m just to stubborn to die

…too many

…so many emotions
…so few solutions
…so many trials
…so few breaks

…i know life continues …but how…how do i let go …this is the problem …in one had i have to admit that i was wrong in who i choose to trust …or i have to admit that she was right and i am not worth it …both are hard to face …so hard for an emotional being like me

…a musician that had a great influence on me is Peter Gabriel …his album “So” celebrates its 25th anniversary this year …i feel old knowing how many songs hold meaning to me …how many songs this album has that mark events though my life …i will add the songs to my list …music holds power …taps into memory differently …memories that normally are not on the surface but that music pulls to the surface …music pushes rational thought down

…too many emotions

…harsh realities

…almost two weeks since my last post …so bad …i guess that i have been way to stressed to even vent …getting ready for a hearing …that was a major source of stress …creating time-lines …backing up the time-line with email evidence …gathering tax returns …taking the day off …going to court …friends made sure i wasn’t alone …Bozo went with me …i was so tense that i would have to see Kitten …she did not show up for the hearing …go figure …but each time the door to the court opened i jumped inside myself and looked to see if it was her …asking for an immediate decree and getting denied …had she been there everything could have been over …a week later and i am here still trying to calm down …to much control …none of it mine …there are a few things that seem to be in me …part of me now …that i am addicted to drama …that stress is a drug to me …unable to break free of the cycle …no matter what happens it seems there is something next that will stress me out …but stress has been the majority of my adult life …from one high stress environment to the next …allowing myself to relax is difficult …i can not unwind too easily …my mind is always going …always …random thoughts that branch out like lighting bolts …storms that rage through my brain …some days are better …some days are worse than most …the past two weeks have been bad …my mind hardly shuts off at night …so i have not been sleeping well at all …i wish the weather was as my mood

…dark
…stormy
…harsh

…feeling lost

“Say as you think and speak it from your souls.”
~~William Shakespeare

…no rest for the wicked …no sleep for the weary …my nights are filled with screams and voices from the past …hallow promises and meaningless oaths …i have to be in court this week …i may have to see Kitten for the first time since she walked out …how this will effect me, i can not say …i am afraid of the day …i am scared of what may happen …living in fear …i need to be stronger …but i feel lost in a maelstrom of emotion …i let my emotions guide my life …i am also a being of logic …the heart is stronger then the mind though …this tends to get me in trouble …all too often really …wearing my heart on my sleeve …my face can not conceal my emotions

…new words added today …most of my work is hidden …i will rethink this decision later …but for now here is my latest prose Salt …words from my soul

…coward

…each day is becoming a struggle …to much conflict in my mind …i have things that hold me here in this world …people who care ..those who i know would be sad if i were to disappear …but none can share the burden i have to carry …none can fight my demons for me or with me really …alone i have to face this battle …the world is full of people who have to go through divorce and break ups …almost everyone does something similar to this …but how many are subjected to what i have endured? …i would be willing to bet not many have been as foolish as i have been …not many have been willing to endure the treatment that has been delivered onto me …all this and i am feeling so lost today …feeling like i want to run and hide away …i am trying to be a good person …but i need to stay true to me …stand up for myself
…thanksgiving …things to be thankful for?
…i am still alive
…i have those who truley care
…i am too much a coward

…random

…some say i should be angry …other say i should let go …what i feel is sad that beauty has fallen so low as to become the beast