…worthy of me

…i have been going about my days for the past couple of weeks feeling that something was missing …i couldn’t quite place my finger on it …this missing part was not severely effecting my life …i could still function …go to work …hang out with friends …it really did not hit me till today …Sizzle and i were talking today the feeling that was missing …then i realized …i miss the feeling of being in love …i am not in love right now …and i should not be …this realization is HUGE for me …this is a time where i should be healing, rebuilding and becoming strong so that when i do fall in love again, it is for the right reasons …this past year has been such a struggle …emotionally …financially …and it is not over yet …i am taking some power back and filing for the divorce …that is a little off topic though …back to feeling in love …the interesting thing that Sizzle said to me was that i need to heal and be ready to fall in love with someone who was worthy of me …this made me chuckle a little …i have always had self-esteem issues and hearing something like that makes me scoff …i’ve always felt that i would be lucky to have anyone put up with my crap let alone love me …so the concept of someone worthy of me is quite foreign …i have looked at it from quite the opposite side of the spectrum and tried to find someone i was worthy of …i never actually thought of my self as worthy of being with Kitten …i thought i was so lucky …never thought that she could really love me …joke was on me i guess, she didn’t …maybe she did at one point …it didn’t last thought …so how am i to feel that someone is worthy of ME

…me, just a shy
…quiet
…not so average
…average guy

…here come the holidays

…where did the strength go …i have been stumbling around like a soulless zombie the past week or so …not sure what i am doing anymore …direction? …none …purpose? …only i can determine that and i can’t find one at the moment …i’ve been hiding my emotions from most people again …i can not stand to burden anyone any more …i know that most will say it is not a problem, but it is …i try to move conversation past certain topics, but my mind always goes back, but i stop the words from leaving my mouth …she made her choice, i let her go …she feels i did not fight hard enough for her …maybe i didn’t

…Sizzle had a friend and colleague pass away …this just reminds me of the mortality of us all …no one lives forever …but we all hate feeling like we never said enough to people …i have said all that i can to those that i care about …one of the benefits of being like me …people actually know where they stand with me, i do not hide how i feel …this event brought a memory to the forefront of my thoughts though …my first experience with death that i can remember that had some sort of impact …i was living in Cleveland at the time …there was a family that lived close to mine …two sons and a daughter …the daughter was in my class …the middle son a year or two older and the eldest in the same class or just one above my older sister …the eldest son started working for a local housing construction company, the owner lived in the neighborhood …not too long after there was a car accident and the eldest son was involved …traumatic injuries and burns to over 90% of his body …he did not survive …i remember my older sister crying a lot …i did not know what to do …the daughter was not a close friend, but i could see her pain, i could see her brothers pain … …the whole event made me think of Goose from Mad Max and how he died …burned and in a hospital with an oxygen tent around his body in hopes of saving his life …my mind draws strange correlations between things, so forgive me

…the end of the year holidays have always been a special time to me …particularly Christmas …not because i am religious …but because that is the time when my family typically pulled together and acted like a family …not warring siblings …the general attitude was people getting along …family traditions of spending time together …Christmas Eve spent with immediate family at a nice dinner and when we got home opening one present …the mood jovial …the family smiling and laughing together …fortunately i’ve never been big on shopping around during the holidays so the negative energies involved there never dampened my mood …last year was most likely the worst holiday season i have ever had …the last steps towards the end, i realize that now …the cold manner, the neglect, the pent-up animosity towards me …i tried …my pleas fell on deaf ears …the holidays will never be the same

…never again the same
…i must make new memories
…must go on

…true colors

…i can talk about my issues with my close friends and write about them here …apparently this is a fault according to Kitten …i always have dirty laundry to air when i am with people …i tell EVERYONE my issues …she is blaming me for the downfall of a friendship that she had …she is blaming me for the downfall and failure of the marriage …fuck that …it takes two …i know my faults i have admitted them …i was trying, was willing to try …she cut and run …she said let’s go to counseling, only to use it as an avenue to tell me she was leaving …one joint session and the next she bolted …i should be angry …i should be pissed …she has shown her true intentions and twisted colors over the past several months and is showing even more to me now

…i am just sad

…martyr

…never can be guilt free …choices that come back to haunt …my integrity is being questioned …my life is in the air, i have not found solid ground yet …i will be forcing my hand soon enough, it is time to move forward with things …i want to reply to the accusations and attacks, but that will do no good …i want to clarify a few points, but to what end? …she will not listen to me …she does not care to hear my thoughts …she only wants to blame me …i play the victim, i play a martyr …the definition of a martyr according to wikipedia is “somebody who suffers persecution and death for refusing to renounce a belief” …then yes, i am a martyr …i believed in her and our marriage …i refused for the longest time to renounce the union, friendship, and love …one difference is that i have not died for those  beliefs

…nor will i
…there was a time i would have
…not now

…like wow

…i was talking with Emeraldeyes last night about love …how we both want a fantastic relationship in our lives …a love like wow …i thought i had that …a relationshpi so wonderful that when you see your partner the only thing that can describe how you feel is “Wow” …for most people this is a passing phase and things become mundane …i went from being a wow Kitten to being a nuiscance …i always looked upon Kitten and felt that wow feeling …even at the end …but that Kitten is gone …that woman is gone …if there were problems from the start as she described, then she was lieing to me all along …so it may be that i fell in love with a set of lies …lies that she perpetuated throughout our relationship …she is more skilled in deciet that i ever could be if this is true …oscar winning performances? …can we get higher than that because she fooled her family, my family, our friends and me …the realization that i could have been living that big a lie for so long is gut wrenchingly painful …to have known someone who could have lied so well, to let her so close …to have her cut and run so easily

…to her my worth was nil
…i am worth more
…aren’t i?

…ramble

…i often find it difficult to give my thoughts a voice …many times when someone asks me what i am thinking i will deflect the question with a quick answer …all to often though, that quick answer does not nearly scratch the surface …my brain constantly examines, processes and re-evaluates information feelings and thoughts …sometimes i wish for a more simple life where i did not think as much …but then i think that i would go crazy

…i have lived my life in a heightened state to stress that i’ve never let myself relax from …straight out of high school in to the Navy, a marriage, two career changes, a divorce, surviving layoffs and a company buy out, changing companies from a support position to an engineer position, working full time, going to school full time, getting married again, and now another divorce …just a summary, but i have been quite busy in my adult life …never really having much time off or away from stress

…i don’t want to add to my stress
…i need a way to lift the stress
…i need a real vacation/break

…an adventure

…needed to get out …right? …take that to an extreme …an approaching storm …the Washington coast …digging for razor clams …waves crashing …rain falling the water coming up over my knees at times …15 clam limit reached for four people rather quickly …we did go past sunset and had to use a lantern …but what fun …headed back to cook them up in a modified coquilles st jaques recipe …we will see how it turns out

…well enough

…ever have a cut or scrap that developes a nice thick scab …the one that initially hurts like heel but the starts to itch? the itching get so persistent that you dig into the scab to relieve the discomfort …this only aggravates the injury more and reopens the wound …but i can never leave well enough alone …after the conversation with kitten a few days ago, we got into a txt argument last night …her accusations based on what she wants …i got upset and called her …always a fun thing

…she is trying to help me
…right

Protected: …txt conversation with Kitten

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…recovery

…well, i guess i am better off than i first thought …my recovery time is improving …when i let Kitten devastate me emotionally, it used to be days …even weeks …before i felt that i could continue …it has taken me a long time to get to be able to function …each time i interact with her it seems to be a quicker recovery time …i feel that i am losing part of myself …well, feel that i am losing more of myself

…losing?
…maybe replacing
…but replaced with what?